In the past I have often thought New Years resolutions were pointless. I like many people have failed at following through on my ridiculously made resolutions. I’m going to church every week, reading my bible every day. I’m going to exercises three times a week. From diets to habit changes I’ve royally mis managed every attempt to make changes to my life at the start of a new year. In recent years I’ve personally read many post telling the readers to set more realistic goals for the year. I have even tried that and failed. The last few years I have just completely ignored the new year and committed to the resolution to make no more resolutions. This year however I have been wondering if I am wrong. The Bible talks a lot about things being new every morning, or every day. Perhaps new every year isn’t so different. A new year, maybe we can have a new marriage. I even go so far as to think maybe he will put extra special effort into meeting my needs for physical and spirit affection.
I subscribe to several daily bible ready plans and the common theme across them is forgiveness. To ask me a month ago I had forgiven my husband completely for his transgression my answer would have been ” absolutely but…” But my actions and mood certainly don’t reflect forgiveness. Anxiety attacks if he’s two minutes late or out of place certainly don’t reflect trust or forgiveness. For Christmas I gave our son my old iPod which I had used to track my husbands internet searches locations and more. I reluctantly signed out knowing I was relinquishing my control. Control that isn’t mine to be had. Worry about the things I don’t know from the past has consumed me in recent weeks and places as big of a wedge between us as the things he may or may not still be hiding.
While I may not feel my husbands fully earned my trust again, I know that I can trust in the Lord. I also know being able to track his movements doesn’t actually give me control over them and that if he makes poor choices again they will eventually be revealed. Worrying over the things I don’t know and couldn’t change even if I did just puts me in a bad mood.
This year I think I will put importance on resolutions. I think maybe now, half a year later it is time to dive into the emotions and feelings I have been withholding from myself in order to make through and grieve. I am going to be praying for the Lord to search my heart and reveal to me the things I just can’t seem to let go of, and let go of them. If the Lords compassion towards me is new every morning, I think maybe my compassion towards my husband should be also. Why am I angry over yesterday when today is the only day I can change?
This year my resolution is to put my trust in God and not my husband. My God is in control and knows what he is doing even when I do not. This year I am going to let go of last year- we have a new year before us, and new chance to make our marriage great.