Some days I feel down. I mean really down. The thoughts of what transpired between my husband and another woman weigh so heavily on my mind that it effects everything I try to do. I’m grouchy with my kids, short with my husband and down right emotional and no one (including me) understands it. The what ifs start creeping in and before you know it I am a basket case for no “apparent” reason.
It was really hard for me most, if not all of December. This was because while I was checking on my kids internet usage I found visits to Christian mingle and match.com from two years ago. Merely months before I came to truly know God, and made the decision that I was going to put my all into my marriage. Now I know my husband well enough that I thought I knew what his reaction would be if I asked him about it. I could already hear the I don’t knows, and I don’t remember.
Instead of saying something to my husband, I text my best friend, a very Godly woman who I knew would understand I wasn’t mad, but that I was hurt because we had said we put all are secrets on the table in August, so that we we could start over. She understood my wanting to forgive him but still feeling like I needed half an explanation.
Well that was a big mistake! Since our downfall I have gone out of my way to be “transparent” and our tablet syncs all of my texts, phone calls, emails, photos and pretty much anything I can do on my phone. I knew my husband often read my text between me and my friend so I was careful in what I said and how I said it. Unfortunately he still felt bashed by me. I tried and tried (at least in my mind) to be peaceful and explain why I didn’t say something to him, how I wanted to avoid a fight but that I was hurt and didn’t understand why he didn’t just tell me, and that I felt if I had asked it would have been an argument and an I don’t know or I don’t remember. Especially since we had an argument two months prior when we first got internet at home when I asked why he deleted the history from the computer.
I tried and failed. I didn’t take the step back and pray about, though I did try to walk away twice. We ended up face to face arguing and I don’t know what possessed me, but I know what didn’t possess me as I slapped him across the face. I immediately regretted it, apologized and retreated and spent the rest of the day praying. This is likely irreparable damage, and it was two days before we were able to actually talk about why he was so angry with me and why he hid it in the first place.
Merely days later I received several emails from the other woman attempting to imply that her relationship with my husband had not been just emotional as they had both previously indicated. I struggled with it all evening while my husband worked. Do I say anything? I already know who not to say anything to about it. I also know if I’m not very careful we will have another blowout and setback. However if I say nothing, the what if it’s true will eat me alive.
After much turmoil I decided that I would indeed ask my husband about it the emails. When he came home that night I very calmly explained that I had something I wanted to show him and ask him about. I explained first that I didn’t want there to be any secrets or what ifs that come up a few months from now, and that I wasn’t angry or wanting to start a fight but I did want to bring it to him, and that I hoped we could develop a calmer way of dealing with things and I didn’t want him to feel the need to be defensive because either way it didn’t matter it was in the past, but I didn’t want to hide that I had received these emails. He looked and at first I thought he was going to have an enraged fit as I saw his nostrils flare and he said ” set me up with a lie detector test” I once again explained that I just didn’t want to hide it or find out something later again that we could just be open about, and he looked me in the eye and said “you won’t find it out later because it didn’t happen”.
It’s amazing how relieved I have felt since he looked me in the eye and said that with a much less enraged tone. While I may never truly know what did or didn’t transpire between the two, I found it much easier to believe when it wasn’t being spat at me.
Now this hasn’t completely thwarted the enemies attempts to enter my thoughts and fill me with doubt. I am definitely still having those trigger moments. I did however recently come across a passage that has made it a lot easier to deal with.
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 NIV
While I was still a sinner. While my husband was still a sinner. We were already forgiven. I already told my husband I forgave him for what transpired. As the enemy mostly recently threw thoughts laced with doubt, hatred, regret and more at me, I remembered, that’s already forgiven.
Living in the past is the best way to ensure we don’t move forward. When I actively used a private Facebook, that was one of my favorite “quotes”. Funny how hard it is to actually live that way. The enemy tries to keep us where we are so we can’t move forward. I pray that as you do with your spouse, friends, family members and coworkers that if you find your short or irritated at something that has already happened, let it go ! Don’t let yesterday’s problem rule today,- it’s already forgiven.