Knowing Better and Doing Better

I was always the employee that got away with everything. I was the hard worker that no one wanted to loose. When I ate my lunch on the clock so I could sleep in my car on lunch, my boss turned their head because I would produce more that day than the entire team would all week. When my husband gram died my boss did my job for three days and wrote it in as if she had been my gram. When I rolled in ten minutes late because I over slept, somehow my time card reflected that I was on time. If overtime was needed I was always the first to be offered it. Men respected me, women hated me. I cursed like a sailor when angry and moved through the ranks at every job I had. The men I would work with would respect me for doing the hard dirty jobs as well as them, and more than once as I stormed through a break room door cursing and swearing I was told I was extremely sexy when angry or rage fitting as I would call it. The women disliked the attention i would get, and I never lost a battle of head hauncho. I was skilled at reading people and I interpreting what they wanted to hear. I never had an interview that I wasn’t offered the job. When I left a job chasing bigger fish or because I had moved I was always asked to reconsider. I’ve lost a few jobs too, stupid mistakes that could have been prevented if I had been putting in more effort or just been more careful. If I couldn’t win a boss over by being their best employee I would change tactics. Suddenly that skill that landed me jobs would befriend my employer. Everyone has a story someone wasn’t listening too, so I would. I’ve always been good with helping others with their problems, even though I’ve rarely heeded my own advise. I like to say knowing better and doing better are two different things.
“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
Matthew 26:41 NIV

I’ve only had one boss I couldn’t win over. That is my current my employer. I’ve found that since coming to Christ, once I am on the inside people either love me or hate me. That isn’t really anything new, I just draw the opposite people today as I would have then. Most bosses still love me for my hard work and dedication to doing a good job. In fact for the most part as I try to work as I would for God I have advanced even quicker. Then my boss left and a new one came. It’s interesting because she is exactly who I was almost three years ago. She is climbing a ladder and knocking people off of it as quickly as she possibly can in order to advance her career. It’s sickening at times to see good employees lost or fired due to the corruption and selfishness. As I contemplate why I haven’t won over my boss, and the meanest dirtiest player at work has I realize I haven’t really been trying. I’ve been doing my job to the best of my ability, and working for God. I haven’t tried to impress her by being her best employee or by relating to her. In fact I have no real desire to, especially since medically I don’t think I will be able to ever return to work for her. 
Most days I take great satisfaction in I can still win the game without corrupting my beliefs or turning completely hypocritical. I’ve come to the realization however that if I would decide that I need to succeed at my current job however, that is what I would have to do. Frankly I don’t feel it’s worth the time or the effort to win either way this time. I think maybe I’m not only knowing better now a days but sometimes I’m also doing better. Taking the job road and loosing just seems unfair at times, but there is a lot to be gained but holding true. If Gods will is for me to advance my career in this field of work I shouldn’t need to compromise my beliefs.
It is much easier today to look back and see how I contributed to our marriage problems. For years I played the blame game, even when I knew better I didn’t do better. My husband certainly has never found my rage fits sexy, (though to be honest I am not sure what he does find sexy). In most ways I imagine I failed him. I imagine he really and truly wanted most of the same things I did all those years. My skill in dealing with people has made me an excellent customer service agent but that skill has rarely if ever carried over into my marriage.
Each day now, though,I get up and I look to God for the strength to get through the day. I seek his counsel on the actions I should take. Sometimes I still loose and it feels especially unfair after I have worked so hard. It feels even worse though when I not only loose but I didn’t stick to the high ground on the way. Often then while it is not too late, the damage has been done then I turn to God as am filled with sorrow and regret. Knowing better and doing better just aren’t the same.
“See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.”
2 Corinthians 7:11 NIV 

One thing I’ve learned, some would consider the it the hard way, is that what the enemy means for evil God turns into good. When my mom died at the ripe old age of 45, my kids asked me what good could possibly come from grandmas death. As I told them we would have to wait and see I never imagined her death would open up the opportunity for my kids to go to a private Christian school. While we are. I longer sure this is the right choice for my son to continue on here, I am certain it has blessed my family tenfold. It has opened up the opportunity for my husband and I to have bible talks we never did before. My children are learning morals and values not taught today in public schools, and though my son is struggling, both children are working ahead of their grade level in some areas. I’ve also met many knew loving Christians, a pastor that loves and prays for my family and had a few challenges as well. Remember friends going to church or saying your a Christian doesn’t make it so. I’ve found the same is true even in a tiny Christian school. 
Today I can’t really see with definition what the good things are that will come from my marriage struggles. Perhaps we someday be able to to say we have a truly Christ like marriage. Or maybe someday when our kids are grown and married they will be able to remember it was worth the fight and struggles to stay together. Maybe my story will have an impact on someone else. I may not know the purpose or outcome, but I do know it is Gods purpose and Gods outcome.
My prayer today is that if you are struggling in any area of life is that you will take a step back and remember Gods for this.

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