“God be greater than the worries in my life. Be stronger than the weakness in my mind. Be louder let your glory come aliveBe magnified “- We Are Messengers
I’ve been singing this song quite often the last few days. You see our insurance is going to cobra tomorrow, so I made eye doctor appointments for our two kids and myself for last week. I currently have amazing vision coverage. I pay a $10 copay for the exam, and $10 for glasses-transitions and polycarbonate lenses are no extra cost and we have a $250 allowance on frames. My coverage is even better for contacts. $10 for the exam and no copay on the contacts, and with my astigmatism contacts are rather pricey.
The kids went Tuesday together and I was scheduled for Wednesday. It was all of about five minutes into the examination when I realized something was wrong. The doctor was unable to correct the vision in my right eye to 20/20. I am still seeing 20/20 with both eyes in my current prescription but that he wasn’t able to correct my vision was disturbing. I was quickly quite alarmed as we moved along to the portion of the examination where he looks into my eyes with a light. I’ve had this done many times- I’ve worn glasses since I was six. That wasn’t what was alarming however, the alarming part was how long and intently he examined my right eye.
After about 15 minutes of looking at the right eye, he asked if I had incurred any recent trauma. I had not. He told me he thought I had a small scar on the peripheral side of my retina. He examined my other eye for a normal length of time then took me into a room with a big camera takes really nifty pictures of your eye and displays them on a computer monitor.
After about 15 minutes of trying to capture good images of what he saw he took me into yet another room I didn’t know was there. He put on this big headlamp thing and got out a huge magnify glass and proceeded to further examine my right eye. Half an hour later was when I got news. What he thought was a small scar was actually the tail end of a rather large tumor. He also told me it could be related to my lung issues.
My plan to get contacts again even though I hardly wear them now that I am home ended right there. I’m not sure how I made it home, the bright sun made me squint after all of the lifting my lid to see into my eye. My husband was still napping so I let him finish his nap while I turned over in my brain what this meant. When he woke up I told him what I had learned. I honestly think he was more distraught than I was- he took the evening off of work.
Its been a turmoilous week. The first few hours were rough. I told my husband that I trust God. And I do. With my body, my children my husband my life and my soul. I believe God is a good God, and that whatever happens to me is for the good of all whether or not it is want I want or hope for. God’s plans are bigger than me. I feel confident of where I am going when it is my time.
I’ve still struggled with fear this week. Treatments have come a long way for tumors and cancer and I personally know many survivors. Its hardly like when my dad was diagnosed with agent orange cancer and that diagnosis was a death sentence. I also know many people that have died recently from cancer.
Gods plan isn’t for us to fear but rather to put our trust in him. I read somewhere recently that God tells us not to fear 365 times in the bible. I haven’t personally counted it but if it appears even half that many times I think it is probably one of those “real” important messages.
“You came near when I called you , and you said do not fear” Lamentations 3:57 NIV
Between human nature and the enemy not fearing is a hard thing. I’ve had to ask the Lord many times in the last week to take my fears, be my strong tower. The funny thing is I’m not scared to die. I know where I will be going. I’m scared of pain, of leaving my kids motherless, of the time when my husband will move on because it wouldn’t feel right or mature to ask or expect him not to. I’m scared of another woman raising my kids, of the affects my death would have on them and my husband. I’m scared my marriage is going to be cut short, when we have only just learned to love each other.
But my God is good. He knows what he is doing and we will see us through this no matter what this is or isn’t. I trust him with my body soul and mind. So rather than worry I’m giving it to God to determine who will pray with my children before they fall asleep. I’m living my life like I normally would as much as possible and trusting that the Creator of this earth and every living being and thing on it-has got this. Lord be greater than the worries in my life, be stronger than the weakness in my mind.