I’ve spent most of the last ten years and seven months with my love tank running on empty. The last seven months my tank had been running most on low, but I’ve felt blessed to not be running on empty. I know my husbands tank also ran empty for years, but I feel confident that for the last seven months he’s been running much closer to full than he ever has.
I have had several times in the last seven months where my low fuel indicators have come on and my love tank has drawn near empty. Most of these times I’ve reacted in the wrong ways. I am an emotional kind of gal and struggle at times to contain my emotions. I don’t do anything well when I am emotional, except perhaps write poetry and even that is debatable.
This last week has been a real hard one for me. The last two or even three if we are going to be honest. When I came home from the eye doctor with devastating news, my husband was napping before work. Yes I didn’t wake him up, but I wanted to. I wanted to but then I didn’t because I wanted him to be there for me and I was scared he wouldn’t be. He took the evening off, he made arrangements to make sure I had my prescriptions current before we lost insurance. He called and told family members and friends. He went two neighboring farms to help and text me several times to check and see if I was ok.
The only thing my husband didn’t do was hold me. He took care of my physical needs, but my emotional and spiritual needs have been left to me to deal with. This is why I didn’t wake my husband up. He showed me massive amounts of love in way he would have wanted to receive love. Some days I wonder if its not harder to watch him love me in the wrong language than it. was to just not be loved. I know this isn’t true, because while my tank has been low it hasn’t been empty, simply because I can see and acknowledge that he is loving me. Yet my low fuel indicators are still on.
I also watched my husband make one of the biggest decisions of his life. It was for the right reasons. I struggled because it seemed like a decision he didn’t want to make. He might have very well wanted to make this decision, but he is not like me. He doesn’t get emotional in ways you can tell. He doesn’t verbalize emotions. It appeared this decision was forced. For days all I wanted was to know he was making the decision out of love but those words never came. I poked and prodded and they just never came. My low fuel indicators grew stronger.
This week I watched as my husbands greatest love passed away. She wasn’t well for quite some time and we knew it was only a matter of time before she left us. I was there the entire time, by her side even as my husband needed breaks from the emotional distress that she was leaving us put on his heart. Jewels and I didn’t always get along, but the last few years, and especially months we had forged the likeness of a bond.
The hardest part was watching my husband. A part of him died that day that will probably never be retrieved. Another part of his heart is gone to me those around him. He has lost many parts of his heart over the years, and most I do not believe will ever be restored. To be restored we have to be willing to surrender our pain at the cross. My husband doesn’t surrender. He cleaves to the pain and allows it to consume his heart soul and mind. It will control his future actions and choices, much like the death of his grandma 6 years ago still does today.
I tried to be there for him. To love and support him. To respect his wishes with what to do with her, and her things, and pretty much everything she has touched in our home in the last 16 years. Instead of turning to me, he pushed me away. Instead of letting me comfort him he turned to our children, to his friends, to his old pastor. I’ve really struggled with this, because this is what happened when his gram died. The wedge created between us allowed the enemy to come in and further divide our home and hearts.
And so it hurts. I’ve been emotional and moody in my pain. I’ve watched him cling to others why pushing me further and further away. Once again I’m left to deal with my own emotional, spiritual and this time physical needs. Now my low fuel indicator just seems to be stuck on empty.
I understand that we all grieve differently. I guess my problem is that I feel like he is not grieving because he is clinging to the dead that cannot be brought back to us. I feel like when we cling to those we loved and lost in this way we are idolizing them-putting them before God. I feel like instead we should grieve and say goodbye.
“Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God’s love for them.” Jonah 2:8, NIV
When we cling to the things other than God we open the door wide for the enemy to swoop in, divide and conquer. I’ve been there. I don’t want to go there again. I also don’t want to idolize my marriage, putting it before God. I know that as long as I put God first, everything tends to fall into place. I know that grieving is easier for me, because I am able to turn my pain over to the Lord. I am able to find peace in knowing that God’s plans are bigger than me. What I wouldn’t do to have my husband cleave to me as the bible says a husband should. For him to turn to God in his pain.
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Genesis 2:24 NIV
My husband and I are at one of those crossroads in life, where the next season will greatly depend on which path we take. So I pray. I pray for my husbands pain. I pray for my husbands exposures. I pray for strength and mercy, but most of all I pray for my husbands salvation. IF he would only turn it over to the Lord I know he would find peace beyond comprehension. I pray that the Lord will order his thoughts, his words and his actions and turn our circumstance aright again.
“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ” Philippians 4:7 NIV
Even while my low fuel indicators glow, I trust in our God. I trust him with my husband, my marriage, my home, my children and my body.